The Butt Ugly Weblog

How to mince a hamburger

This is something I've always wanted to try: put all the ingredients of a hamburger into a big bowl, chop them up real good, and see what comes out. That's the way it gets in the stomach, so it should taste the same, yes?

Wrong.

First, you have to get yourself some nice and (preferably cheap) meal. I used a local 3.95€ offer, which is about the top amount of money you can use for something as dumb as this.

For a drink, I had a Fanta, but I seriously doubt it had any significant effect on the results. Any soda should do.

(Right-click on image and choose "View image" or whatever your browser suggests to see a larger image.)

Next, take a blender, put everything in. Hold the soda for a while.

There, all and nice. Are we feeling cozy there? Looks yummy, doesn't it?

And close the lid - at this point, have doubts about whether this was a good idea, and reconsider. It is a good thing to have something spare to eat when the horror is revealed. I had a banana.

Remember, this is the point of no return.

After a few rounds of wrenching, this is the intermediate result. At about this point realize that the manual cranking does just not cut it.

...so we get electrical. *evil grin*

It's really looking good - sort of like minced meat, yes? But wait, there's more!

Yes, the soda! It turns out that it works well as a lubricant and stops the chunky, greasy bits (well, all of the hamburger, really) from clogging the blender! So pour the whole thing in gradually, while mixing with the other hand.

And voilà! Here's a ready purée aux hamburger. Mmm... Looks appetizing, doesn't it? You can put something green on it to make up for the dull color. Green or blue artificial colouring might also be a good idea.

Unfortunately, this thing tastes horrible. It seriously does. It's cold, and greasy, and it bubbles slightly. Even now I can still feel the aftertaste at the back of my throat.

So there is really only one thing one can do with this.

So, boys and girls, if anyone ever offers you money to eat a minced-up hamburger, consider the images above. And ask for a hefty lump of cash, 'cos you're gonna need a lot of motivation.

(And if I still haven't convinced you, here's a video (4.5 Mb MPEG-2) ).

Addendum: The worst part of the whole thing was that my bio-waste bag broke when I was lifting it from the bin, spreading most of its former fast-food contents in places they were really not supposed to be. Ick. That should teach any budding scientist from tampering with the nature.

Update: 13-May-2003. Some guy offers $5 through PayPal if you do the trick above and eat it, too. Having actually tried it, I can assure you that $5 is far, far too little money. It barely covers the price of the hamburger anyway.

Comment on this experiment. More of my scientific experiments.