Things you can do with your laundry but probably should not
We geeks sometimes lead a very lonely life, especially after college. You may pine back to the halcyon days of the time when you were living with four other geeks, smelling bad together while watching Star Trek, and dreaming of the day you have A Real Job. But those days may be gone, and you return home. Nobody else is there, and even the cardboard image of Princess Leia in your bedroom does not make you feel happy. You find yourself missing the drunken parties and midnight boozing.
No worries! It turns out that if you don't do your laundry for a few weeks, you will have plenty of material to construct your own Virtual College Roommate, as brought to you by the Ecyrd Heavy Industries.
First, take four T-shirts and stack them together and roll them into something of the thickness of your leg.
Like this.
The resulting bundle should be roughly the length of your leg as well (Try and see if you can guess what we are attempting here? Don't peek!)
You will also need a pair of long underwear. I understand that some of the non-Finns might not carry these as standard equipment, but do not despair! You can also use a pair of sturdy pantyhose (and thus actually be able to simulate a girlfriend as an added bonus, though you should see the warning below).
Stuff the bundle you just created into the leg of the underpants. Notice how cleverly the sleeves of the t-shirts form the foot.
Make a second bundle (yes, you will need four t-shirts again, you dolt) and stuff it to the
other leg. Also, take a pair of socks with a good elastic, and put them on the feet. And if you think I am meaning your own feet, then I would like to remind you the usual routine: "breathe in, breathe out" - got that? Just make sure you don't get them mixed up, okay?
For the upper legs, we'll need something thicker - and what would be better than the two dirty fleece shirts just waiting to be washed?
Again, roll them up, but shorter than the t-shirts. Stuff them into the pants as well to the obvious places. Note that you get a nice simulation of the kneecaps by leaving one of the sleeves of the fleece shirt on a bundle.
Now, the question remains, what to do with the rest of the pants now that they are slacking empty and need filling?
Well, if you appreciate the irony (and have the laundry to spare), you can use your own dirty underwear!
And here we have, half a man, almost ready!
Pulling on some real pants is optional, depends on what you like.
A tight knot in the pants keeps the pants from falling inside the pants inside the pants. Err. Sometimes I feel my English is lacking words and I keep repeating myself. Have you noticed that if you repeat a word long enough, it loses its meaning? Pants. Pants. Pants. Pants. Pants.
OK, so now you have your Virtual College Roommate ready - but what to do with him? Here are some ideas.
Remember the wonderful days when you arrived home and you were greeted by the stench of reabsorbed alcohol behind your couch and the sight of your booze stash emptied?
How about "The Guy Under The Bed"? This is sure to spice up your love life! Just imagine the stimulating conversations as your date finds your "mate" when clambering to the toilet in the middle of the night!
Speaking of toilets, how about smuggling your Virtual Mate into a party and playing a "Man, at least I tried to get to the john" -trick to your (real) friends?
After opening the door, and revealing your small plaything, you can then laugh heartily together at your witty and wonderful ideas. Just don't mention them that you stole them from here and you will be the life of the party. Or at least have 15 seconds of questionable fame.
Simulated situation
 |
Here is a recreation of a painful, personal memory from the time I thought I saw a dime on the bottom of the washing machine.
WARNING WILL ROBINSON: If you decide to simulate a girlfriend, you should be aware that the sight of a drunken woman's legs behind your couch is known to cause temporary impotence. Unless you are very drunk yourself, of course, though in that case the reason why your little gardener is hiding in the bushes may be something else. The Virtual Roommate is also something that you might want to consider removing to a closet before bringing in a date.
Obviously, this warning should be gender-reversed in the unlikely case you are a woman.
See more Scientific Experiments, or Comment on this experiment.
All the laundry portrayed in this story is fictitious and is not meant to portray any real laundry, clean or dirty.
No actual laundry was washed during the production of this web page.
